Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Dear USC Trojans

Welcome to El Paso. You'll find we are a very warm and welcoming those that deserve it. But for those that smack talk about our little town, well you can kiss our collective nalgas.

I'm an El Pasoan by choice, that is to say I wasn't born here but I am an El Pasoan just the same. We are no LA, that is to be sure. But lets face it, almost every Latino in LA probably has family in EP.

There is a character about this city. We do our share of fighting with one another, but nothing brings people from Chucotown together like some idiot talking smack about our home town. Just ask the last guy from Oklahoma how that worked out for him. And lets be honest, you have to be certa-effin-fiable to be from Oklahoma and have the nerve to bad mouth El Paso.

You are going to find everyone in this town to be very friendly. Unlike the cesspool of humanity that is the LA area, we still say Buenos Dias when we see strangers, we stand up for seniors on the bus, and we hold the door open for ladies. Being from a big city is no excuse to be a classless idiot, although you guys from LA seem to have refined it to nuclear grade capacity.

Frankly, you guys are going to be treated like kings. You'll be wined, dined, and thoroughly taken care of in this town. We don't have fancy stuff like other towns but we have what you people don't have. Good, genuine, salt-of-the-earth people.

And no one, and I mean no one, parties better than people from El Paso. And we have more hot women per square foot than any other town in the country.

But we won't forget what your linebacker Tony Burnett had to say about our fair town. When you are in restaurants, bars, and attractions around the Sun City you are going to taste good ol' El Paso hospitality. But when he enters the stadium on New Years Eve, well, don't be surprised if he meets good ol' El Paso hostility. After all, when you talk about where someone is from, you are pretty much talking about their momma.

And everyone knows those are fightin' words.

Trust me, I wanted to really rip your whole team a new one for what was said about El Paso. I was going to have a post filled with snarky remarks like the fact that the most popular Trojans in this town come in box that is held behind the counter at a convenience store, not your mascot. Although the ladies around town tell me that if you take your helmets off that prevents a pregnancy just as well as the Trojan in a box.

But I'm not going to do that. I'm gonna go out of my way to be as friendly as I can to you all. I'm gonna kill you with kindness like everyone else in town.

Except when Burnett enters the stadium. I'm gonna boo him like crazy.

Forget Texas, Don't Mess with Chuco.


Jackie said...

I'm still enjoying my twitter fame I got for my conversation with him. That guy is a disgrace to the USC football team and fans. I was hoping he would be forced to stay home, but instead I would much rather enjoy booing him :)

Anonymous said...

Well said Jaime! I am a USC alum and was born and raised in El Paso. I think I speak for many other Trojans in saying that this football team has been an embarrassment (both on and off the field) all season long and it continues right down to the post-season. Aside from playing in my hometown, I am happy to see that my Alma Mater, after a couple of years, is able to once again play in a Bowl Game.

Anonymous said...

If they wanted to play in a better bowl game and enjoy a better city then maybe they should have lived up to that #1 preseason ranking.


Anonymous said...

Although I'm sure for the most part the USC football program are happy to be in El Paso and we appreciate them, "But I remember some years ago when USC publicly stated that they deserved a better Bowl game than the El Paso Sun Bowl, and that year TCU ROMPED them..."

Sergio Lewis